tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
