fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
