I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
