Swine flu. Run for my life!
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
