can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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