yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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