It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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