Someone shit on the floor
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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