Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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