You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
