Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My hand turned me down
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
