thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
