If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
