I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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