Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
