My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
