I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
