the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
