I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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