I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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