he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
