I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Dignity is for republicans.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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