I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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