He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
