and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
