Cold hands, warm shart.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
