When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
