The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
