your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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