So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
