I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
