You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
