I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How external is "for external use only"?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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