Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
