If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
