i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
