I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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