Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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