I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just want to make out with him forever
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
