I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize