oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
