I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
