If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just high enough for therapy.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
