I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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