Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
