Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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