i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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