People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
i now understand why vodka
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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