My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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