Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
